Marriage and neighbors

Getting married

Wedding night

Loosing weight

A wife says to her husband:
'Honey, I'm leaving to go to Stacey next door for 5 minutes. Don't forget to stir the soup every half hour...'

A young man, who recently graduated from college, meets his old high school teacher.
'Good morning, Mr. Smith. Do you remember me? My name is Rawyer.'
'Of course, I remember you, John', says the high school teacher, 'I used to tell you that you would get in trouble with your future... How is everything going now?'
'I am happy to announce that I asked your daughter for a marriage proposal', says the young man.

During the wedding night, the husband stands still in their bedroom and looks in the window. After a while, his wife asks him what is going on.
'People say', he answers, 'that the wedding night is so beautiful, but so far it has been raining and raining...'

A woman comes to a pharmacy store and asks the salesperson:
'Do you have a really effective medicine for loosing weight?'
'Yes, we have bandads', the salesperson answers her question.
'Where do you put them on?', asks the woman.
'On your mouth', he says.

Doctors and lawyers

Lawyers

Scientists

During a party a doctor speaks with a lawyer. Every few minutes someone interrupts them, asking the doctor for an advice about some medical matters. After an hour, the doctor has become annoyed, and asks the lawyer:
'What do you do to make people stop asking about your professional matters at the time when you are out of office?'
'I give them advices', says the lawyer, 'but then I send them bills.'
The doctor is astonished, but he decides to try out the new method. He prepares all the bills the next day. But when he goes out to check his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A passenger airplane was having troubles with the engine, so the first pilot instructed the passengers and the crew to take their seats, fasten the seatbelts, and be prepared for emergency landing. After a few minutes, the pilot asked one of the flight attendants, if all the passengers were ready for emergency landing.
'Yes, all of them are prepared', says the flight attendant, 'except the lawyers, who are walking around and handing out their business cards.'

A mathematician announced a lottery game, and said that the award will be infinite. When he sold all the coupons, the winner showed up to him to receive the prize. Then the mathematician explained to him the way of distributing the money: you will get $1 now, then you will get 50 cents next week, then you will get a quarter in two weeks...

At school

Instruction manuals

Restaurants

Restaurants, bars and pubs

Farmers

A father asks his son:
'What were you doing in your math class today?'
'We were looking for the common denominator', he answers.
'Really? When I was going to school, we were looking for it as well. It's amazing that nobody has ever found it yet...'

A Superman costume, intended for kids, includes the following statement:
'Wearing this costume does not make flying possible.'

In a restaurant, a waiter brings the customer a soup that he just ordered. After a moment, the customer asks him:
'What is this bee doing in my plate?'
The waiter bends over the table a little, looks carefully at the bee and says:
'It looks like it is trying to swim...'

In a pub there is a little stage and a band playing music. A customer calls for the waiter and asks:
'Can the musicians play for a customer's request?'
'Of course, they do', the barman replies eagerly.
'So can you ask them to play cards or domino?' the customer asks him.

John has a cousin who lives in a city. One day his cousin comes over for a visit and asks John:
'Nothing ain't growing on this soil here?'
'Nope', the farmer says to him.
'How about if you sew some corn seeds?', asks the cousin.
'Oh, yeah', says John. 'If you do, it will grow.'